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Another synchronicity last night which started all the drama. I was too upset to talk about it.

Was trying hard to get my act together, fighting all the feelings of forced drowsiness etc., I took the time to do some much needed cleaning & straightening. I took a break to thumb through a book of Jewish stories I had. Was looking for particular one I like, but couldn’t find. I haven’t gone through the book in a long time, and I bought it in 2013, back when there still elements of innocence in my life, joy and meaning. [Before I knew my mind was being read. That was the killer corner-stone in my life. A handed-down death sentence, for standing for what was right, devoting myself to God (to the best of my understanding and being) and crying out from being ignored and left to die (Snowden petition). It all seems so sadistically trivial now….how ugly things can be….

To continue, I stumbled upon another story I enjoy, and a synchronicity happened. I read, “God spoke and a spark appeared. And God immediately recognized it for the beauty it could become.” Though I thought I had a peaceful dreamless night the night before (first time in years), I suddenly remember a faint flash of memory saying “spark”, and the unspoken reference to a particular woman. There were colors: yellow and dark blue, a faint flash of lightning – all trigger meanings. Yellow: caution (like I’m doing something wrong). Dark blue: [blue:] “I don’t know” your [black:] “dead” and the lightning was a faint sign of anger. The “feeling” of the dream’s source felt different. Like from God Himself – since I know now my dreams are not from a Divine source. Yet a good possibility is that it was all a deception, designed to do exactly what it did – persecute!!!!!

First of all, I don’t believe I deserved such a rebuke. I’m rational and open-minded. Yes I’m plagued with deathly loneliness and in actuality I am a very caring, tender and loving person, so it’s easy for my heart to grow gladly and enthusiastically fond. Besides, what happened on Christmas…when your told “Love is the only one.” in the first degree, who wouldn’t have the same line of thinking as I did? In the contrary, it could of been just an acute warning, was authentic.

Yet, as blood-thirsty as these people are out there, of course the minute they believe God makes a move to rebuke me – they go right for the throat, in their demi-reinforced behavior which seems to never end. The same thing it’s been since day one!

I also had feelings that I was doing something wrong in my ideology. Clearly a sign of mind control – I’ve been through it all too many times, and have bled for it. I guess that’s the idea for whomever is this grand Godless puppet-master.

All in all, I think the whole thing may be a sham. It hasn’t amounted to anything, but the usual story – cold shoulders, confusion, complete vulnerability and the final grand finally – persecution, torture and spiritual digression.

Same old story.

So I believe it’s a sham – or a clever hi-jack.

Whatever is left of my heart and soul is what I’m sticking with.

I’m walking away from all this. All my pieces have seem to add up to traps and just more persecution. My life is in the hands of children with WAY too much power, and no consequences for their actions. I will not survive if things don’t change. It’s that bad.

Thank Goodness for music. (Same old story…)